Are You Man Enough
NOTE: This storyline is meant as a comedic offering, and not meant in any way as an insult to males the world over. Honest. : )
PART ONE By Leonie
"So Hercules and Xena take a walk and.. " The joke was cut off by the actual Xena walking into the room. Ares even had the decency to blush ever so slightly. (A simple trick of raising his temperature and quickening his 'godly' bloodflow.) "Xena! Hey good to see you again." Ares raised his drink to the Warrior Princess as she gave him a second eyebrow raised glance on her way to the Stables.
"I heard you Ares, and you know what I"ll do if you finish that joke." Xena warned from outside the Inn door.
Ares took a deep drink of his ale and winked a sparkling eye at Joxer. "It's not a lie. I heard it from a witness himself!" He told Joxer.
"Nu uh, no way. Xena and Gabrielle have been together forever." Joxer shook his jar of fizzy water at Ares. The concoction was a new one that Salimounius had dropped off a few weeks back. It made a fuzzy racket inside the jar and then proceeded to explode over the top. Making a mess of the table and Joxer's hand.
PART TWO By Xena
Xena groaned and rolled her eyes, grabbing a dishtowel and tossing
it at her friend. "Not *that* stuff!" She took a mug and handed it
to Joxer, poring the rest of the concoction into it for him.
"So anyway..." Ares tried to continue and Xena shot him a look that
effectively silenced him. The God of War shrugged. "Fine, you tell
"The short version is that yes, Hercules and I had a thing for about
two seconds, end of story." she shot another look at
Ares. "Satisfied?" she stomped off, not in one of her better moods.
"Geez!" Joxer hiccupped as the fizzy water began bubbling in his
throat, "What her problem?"
"She's a woman." Ares shrugged again, taking a swig of his
port. "Unpredictable, but such fun when properly..OWTCH!"
Aphrodite had appeared, and grabbed her brother's ear for emphasis.
"What was that,'bro?" she asked.
"Fun when properly shown what wonderful creatures they are!" Ares
"Yeah...right. You behave!" The Goddess of blew a kiss to Joxer and
then glared at her brother.
Ares arranged his features in a confused expression, "I have no idea
what that was all about...do you?"
Joxer simply hiccupped again and pored some more water into his mug.
PART THREE By Leonie
"Ares you should watch your mouth around the women folk." Kha's husband warned. "They can be extra sensitive in certain issue's around certain times of the month."
Joxer hiccupped again, oblivious to the veiled comment of Sennedjem.
Ares narrowed his eye's at the Egyptian. "What you saying? It's not that 'time' right now." The God quickly flicked his eye's to Xena, checking closely her skin and nails. "No scaly skin, and nix on the nasty manicure too."
Sennedjem only chuckled to himself and continued to brew himself a coffee and an extra cup of hot water with a bit of loose tea on the side.
"I'm just saying. I have been around women for much of my adult life. And now we have a very good mix of all different women under our roof, so to speak."
Joxer's ears perked up as he realized what Sennedjem was speaking off. "Oh! You mean Kha, that she's pregnant so she'll act all sorts of crazy! Right!"
The two men fair leaped over the table to stifle their friends blatant comment.
Ares' spoke first. "Do you think she heard it?"
"We had better hope not." Chuckled Sennedjem.
PART FOUR By Xena
Cyrene entered the room and smiled understandingly at the men
gathered at the table. "Woman trouble?" she asked with a slight
smile as she refilled their mugs.
"We're not sure," Ares returned. "There shouldn't be any trouble and
yet somehow we've managed to tick off a couple of them without even
"Hey, Cyrene! You used to be a girl, what do you think it is?" Joxer
asked, then immediately felt like he had said something wrong.
Fortunately, Cyrene had an excellent sense of humor, and understood
he hadn't meant any harm in his question. So she shrugged and
answered, "Every woman is different...but I will tell you boys
this...if it *does* have to do with hormones, women tend to 'cycle'
at the same time when they live in the same area with each other."
"Wait a minute," Sennedjem said, his face arranged in a look of pure
shock. "Are you telling us that possibly Kha, Alex, Xena, Gabrielle,
Kicking Horse, Mateksi and possibly even Aphrodite could all have
their Cycle at the same time?"
"Mood swings and all?" gulped Joxer.
"Mood swings and all," Cyrene finished, and patted Joxer's
cheek. "Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, there's a pot roast
calling me from the kitchen that needs some more vegetables added."
Ares looked around the table at his male friends and let out a deep
sigh. "All of them at once..."
"Mood swings." Joxer glumly added.
"At the same time." Sennedjem shook his head slowly, disbelieving.
From the second floor came the plaintive cry of, "Xena? Where are
the stomach herbs? I'm starting to get some cramps..."
"AHHHHHH!!!!" All the men got up and ran from the Tavern, leaving
only a dirty table in their wake.
PART FIVE By Ephiny
Salmoneous was nearly trampled by the fleeing cluster of men. "Hey
wait! You gotta see my latest business!" He threw his arms back down
to his sides and sighed loudly. "You never can find the right kind of
customers when you want them."
He looked up at the porch and stepped up to knock. He carefully
checked his goods (which were stashed in the folds of his large
cloak) and smoothed back his salt and pepper hair. Carefully making his best smile, he took in a deep breath and was about to rap on the
door when the door suddenly opened.
"Lo and behold it's Xena's mother!!" Salmoneous greeted the tavern
owner with great enthusiasm.
"If you'll excuse me a moment.." Cyrene placed her hands on Sal's
shoulders and yelled over to the side. "It's only cramps! It will go
away in a few days!" The men had ducked behind bushes nearby and were
whispering loudly amongst themselves. Cyrene laughed softly and
turned her attention back to the entrepreneurial peddler. "Yes,
Salmoneous? You come for a visit? Xena's just inside."
At the word 'cramps', Salmoneous' face had gone white. Xena's cycle
was legendary. "No really. I can come again when you women aren't ...
well... being women."
"Come on, dear. It's not that bad, I promise. Come on in" Cyrene
tugged on the sleeve and pulled the now terrified man inside the
tavern. Salmoneous looked back to the other men who were desperately
trying not to be seen.
"But I'm sure I saw Autolycus out there. Joxer? Someone?"
"They'll be back for dinner. Come on." Cyrene shut the door behind
PART SIX By Kha
Watching the door shut, behind Salmoneous, Sennedjem winced "He is
not capable of surviving them all. We should go in and rescue him."
Autolycus looked at his big friend "I sir, and fond of my bones
unbroken and my skin intact. GO ahead if you want too, We'll put on
some great funeral games for ya."
Ares sighed "I suppose it will be up to me to pull you fellas out of
this mess, what damage can they do to me.I am a god after all."
Sennedjem eyed him "With 'Dite in there, I could imagine a great deal
of damage could be done. But if you go in, I'll go with you."
Autolycus flashed a look at Joxer and Joxer summoned his courage and
vowed "If you two go, I will too. I can watch your backs."
Autolycus grunted "Well I am not too proud to admit I am afraid to go
in. Even a pregnant woman has mood swings and I have seen Kha in
action during her normal mood swings my big Egyptian friend. I fear
for your life at those times."
Sennedjem scowled at him, and asked in a hissing whisper "Do you
wanna live forever Autolycus.show some backbone King of Thieves.You
don't sound like the man who bragged he could sneak into the king of
Egypt's throne room and get his jeweled scepter before he knew you
were even there."
Ares grinned listening, amused by the mortals fear of their
womenfolk. Autolycus declared "There is a saying, discretion is the
better part of valor."The group of fiercely whispering men failed to
see a stealthy figure emerge from around the corner of the tavern,
but all turned around on hearing Joxer's piecemeal armor rattle for a
Standing in back on them, her arms folded across chest, was Kha, her
eyebrow arched and her foot tapping.
Conclusion By Xena
Behind her stood Xena...and Gabrielle...and Ephiny...and Kicking
Horse...and Mateksi and Alex.
"And right now, my valor is full of all kinds of discretion!"
Autolycus finished, and turned tail and ran. Ares paled under his
swarthy complexion and disappeared from the room. Sennedjem stepped
forward as if to placate his wife by some sweet romantic words, but
his courage failed him, too, and he bolted from the room, Salmoneus
hot on his heels.
Joxer simply fainted.
Suddenly the women broke out into peals of laughter. Kha was
laughing so hard she had to wipe the tears from her eyes, "By all
the Gods that ever were,"she exclaimed, "Did you see the look on my
"They all looked at us like we were all a band of murderous
harpies!" Alex doubled over, grabbing her stomach in glee.
Kicking Horse grunted, but her eyes were dancing and her expression
one of humor, "I've seen buffalo run faster...but not by much!"
The women enjoyed the small amount of power they held over the males
for only a short time more...it was unsporting to go on taunting
them, and they had had their fun. Kha went and found Sennedjem
hiding out in the stable seeking the friendship of Toby, and
whispered something in his ear in their native language. Sennedjem's
eyes widened and a grin spread over his face...he willingly followed
her back to the tavern and up to their room.
Joxer eventually woke up from his fainting spell and found Cyrene
standing over him with a bowl of his favorite soup and all was good
in his world again...
The others wandered back in one by one, even Salmoneus and his
wares, and when they saw the atmosphere had returned to one of
joviality and camaraderie they relaxed a little....until Autolycus
noticed a small scaly red patch near Xena's ear and tiny bumps on
the top of her head...
But that's another tale.